First Day

Entry #12 / 27th June 2022

Today marks the official start of camp. In just a few hours, the children will be bustling with energy, their voices echoing through the grounds. I feel a mix of excitement, dread, and nervous anticipation that rivals the classic butterflies in the stomach sensation.

            Rising at five-thirty in the morning, I headed straight for the shower, the warm water invigorating me for the day ahead. Afterward, I enjoyed a hearty breakfast accompanied by a cup of tea.

            The camp technically offered breakfast, although it had transitioned from the hot breakfasts featuring scrambled eggs, bacon, and a choice between pancakes or French toast, to a simpler fare of bagels, yogurt, and fruit (with fruit always available). While bagels were enjoyable, there was only so much of them I could stomach before growing tired of the repetitive meal.

            (They don’t even have the option to toast them, I had thought one morning before.

            Ew. The bright voice squeaked.)

            I changed into my uniform then, with a swimsuit underneath.

            Just before we all began rushing to catch the American school bus to take us to camp, I found myself in the bathroom, washing my hands, and inadvertently caught my reflection in the mirror. My lips were tightened, and a frown had formed between my eyebrows.

            “I can do this.” I whispered to the reflection, meeting my green-blue eyes as they flashed with fierceness. “I’m Rose Jean Brookes, I can do anything.”

***

‘Well,’ the responsible voice began as saw off the last of the children. ‘That was a day.’

            The day was hectic, to say the least. We were pre-warned that the first day, the first week, would be like this. It felt like running a marathon in London – on steroids. However, compared to some stories I’d during the induction, this was probably one of the best first days the camp had ever seen. I remembered hearing about a first day being hit by a storm, destroying many camp activities and leaving the children confined to their bunks for most of the day.

            But today was bright and sunny, which made the day both easier and manic. As it was hot – very hot.

            Hydration was always important, but today it felt particularly crucial. Considering how hot it gets here, I anticipate it will remain a top priority throughout the summer.

            What made the day a bit more challenging for me was learning that from Wednesday onwards, I would essentially be responsible for supervising eighteen children on my own. While my overseeing boss reassured me that help would be provided, it was still nerve wracking.

            Despite all of that, it turned out to be an okay day. It was a bit overwhelming, but I managed and even had some fun. I began to bond with some of the children I would be leading as a counsellor.

            By the end of the day, I was relieved to see everyone else just as exhausted as I was.

            Good to know I’m not the odd one out.

***

After my disagreement with one of the internationals last night, I was encouraged to try and sit with a group of them. The goal was to help me feel more included and to address any insecurities I was currently feeling.

            So, after microwaving something that resembled lasagna (and tasted just as terrible as it looked), I joined a room where a group of them were hanging out.

            To say it was awkward would be putting it mildly. Conversations seemed to halt when I entered the room, whether that was due to my anxiety or the reality of the situation, I couldn’t tell. Nevertheless, I attempted to power through, initiating conversations that unfortunately didn’t yield much response and only added to the discomfort I was feeling.

            Then, as the silence went on and on, one thought came into my mind:

            Fuck this.

            I made my excuses and hastily left the room, feeling a rush of air escape my lungs as I hurried back to my own room.

            While I could feel insecurity mounting within me, a fierce determination, much like this morning and any other time I had been knocked down, surged through me.

            I didn’t know what was going on. Whether it was just me imagining things or if no one truly clicked with me, but I didn’t want to be in a constant environment where I felt absolutely terrible about myself.

            So, I turned on my laptop and started browsing Google Maps, exploring all the nearby places I could visit for the upcoming weekend.

            ‘Getting experience working with children and travel is what you wanted when coming here,’ the responsible voice reasoned as I stared and stared at the screen. ‘Might as well get the two out of three.’

Disclaimer

This blog is a personal diary, and the content shared here is based on my own experiences, thoughts, and opinions. I am not a professional in any field, and the information provided on this blog is for informational and entertainment purposes only.

I do my best to ensure the accuracy and validity of the content I share, but I cannot guarantee the completeness or timeliness of the information. The content may evolve and change over time as I continue to learn and grow.

Please keep in mind that any advice, tips, or recommendations I provide are based on my personal experiences and should not be considered as professional advice. Before making any decisions or taking actions based on the content of this blog, I recommend consulting with qualified professionals or experts in the relevant field.

I am not responsible for any consequences that may arise from following the information provided on this blog. However, I will do my best to ensure any sensitive topics will be warned prior to each post. Your use of this blog and its content is at your own discretion and risk.

I value respectful and constructive discussions, so I welcome comments and feedback. However, I reserve the right to moderate and remove comments that are offensive, spammy, or violate the blog’s policies.

By accessing and using this blog, you agree to abide by this disclaimer and all applicable laws and regulations.

Thank you for visiting and reading my blog. I hope you find it interesting and enjoyable.

The Tumble of Shifting

Entry #11.4 / 26th June 2022

We stayed at the parade for about two hours before deciding to leave. Despite enjoying myself immensely, my stomach began to protest, urging me to seek sustenance. Fortunately, Little Italy was conveniently located nearby, and we thought it would be an ideal spot to grab some food.

            By the time we chose a restaurant, I could see how tired Courtney was.

            “I think I might just head back after this.” Courtney said, “if that’s alright with you?”

            I smiled, “I’ll head back with you. I’m feeling a bit tired myself.” It was a white lie, but I didn’t want Courtney to go out alone. I knew she would be fine, but I would worry regardless.

            So, after our meal and settling the bill, we headed back to subway station to return to Grand Central Station.

            Walking down the streets after getting off the subway, I spotted the souvenir shop that I had noticed the previous weekend.

            “Hey,” I began as we waited at the traffic lights. “Didn’t you say they told international postal stamps at the gift shops?”

            Courtney nodded. “Yeah, but pre-warning – they are well expensive.”

            I hummed. “Do you mind if we stop by? I need to get a few.”

            “To be honest I just want to get back,” Courtney said, a yawn soon following. “You can go though.”

            I looked at her, unsure. “Are you going to be alright?”

            She nodded again, “yeah I’ll be fine.”

            Once we crossed the street, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

            Instead of heading straight to the cashier to purchase the international postal stamps, I took some time to browse the shop. I focused mainly on the hoodies, assessing which ones appealed to me the most and noting their prices. Additionally, I perused the other NYC souvenirs, considering the options for my sister, Dad, and friends.

            Finally, I approached the cashier and inquired about international stamps. When the price for the required quantity appeared on screen, my eyes widened in surprise.

            Fuck, Courtney wasn’t kidding.

***

The day ended on a somewhat sour note.

            I found myself in an argument (although, can it really be called that?) with one of the individuals who was supposed to meet up with Courtney. Once again, the rational adult I’ve grown into reminded it wasn’t my place. I needed to stay out of it and maintain the peace. However, given the sense of alienation I had been feeling for the past week, it was challenging not to regress and intervene foolishly.

            There was no shouting involved, just an emotional conversation that was spurred by the fact that I was, admittedly, acting like a bitch. I apologised for that and confessed my feelings of not feeling involved.

            Although it was cathartic to express my feelings, I couldn’t shake off the sense of unease. My instincts and intuition suggested that this argument probably hadn’t improved matters for me.

A Gay Pride Parade

Entry #11.3 / 26th June 2022

As soon as I arrived at Grand Central, I made a beeline for the dining area and opted for ShakeShack, noticing it had the shortest queue compared to other food stations.

R – Hey I’m at grand central, do you want anything from ShakeShack? Xxx

C – I need water {hot face emojis} and maybe a quick maccies xx

R – I got you water and a cheeseburger xxx

C – Omg what you’re amazing ily. Train just left Harlem xxx

R – Cool! Just waiting for your cheeseburger and my milkshake {laughing crying face emoji} xxx

            After ten minutes of waiting at ShakeShack’s dining area, sipping on my chocolate milkshake and texting Courtney my location, she finally found me.

            “Thank you so much for waiting for me!” Courtney breathed out after giving me a big hug.

            I shook my head, giving her an understanding smile as my eyes went up and down her. “It’s no problem. Are you okay?”

            Courtney shrugged a little as she sat down at the table I was at and slowly dug out her cheeseburger from the bag. “Yeah, it was just a little upsetting is all.”

            “I’m sorry that happened.” I said truthfully, unsure of what else to say to make the situation better.

            She gave me a small smile, “it’s not your fault. I’m just grateful you waited for me.”

            Unsure how else to comfort her, I tried to move the conversation to a happier topic. “Well, it’s a benefit for me anyway! I can actually see the parade with company now and enjoy it a bit more than I would alone!”

            Courtney matched my grin. “Definitely! Should we head off as soon as I finish this then?”

            I nodded, “I don’t know how much we’ll be able to see but if we get the right location we could see a fair bit.”

            “Do you have the map of where it’s going?”

            After reviewing the map and noting the parade schedule for each destination, we settled on a spot to head to. As we chatted on our way to the subway, I started to feel a bit better, my disappointment over making friends with Aria fading temporarily.

***

Navigating the subway system was a bit complex initially, trying to figure out the exact route and how to get there. Fortunately, Courtney was more familiar with the subway than I was. Once we emerged onto the street we needed to walk down, we found ourselves surrounded by Gay Pride street shops.

            Eager to embrace the spirit of the day, I stopped by one of the shops and purchased a bisexual flag. I attached it to my backpack, prompting laughter from Courtney as she snapped a photo of me with the flag.

            As we proceeded down the street, we witnessed a man pulling a cart of cold drinks across the road. Suddenly, the cart tipped over, spilling some of the drinks onto the pavement.

            “Oh shit!” I gasped as the man with the cart was breathing out curses under his breath.

            Without hesitation, I immediately began gathering the items scattered on the ground and placing them back into the cart. A few others joined in to help as well.

            “Thank you!” The man said to us.

            “You’re welcome!” I replied and made my way over the road to where Courtney was.

            Soon, we arrived at the first location where we spotted the parade. It was a bit of a challenge to see, especially for Courtney, who was shorter than me. Nonetheless, we managed to catch glimpses of the several impressive parade floats passing by. The electric energy pulsating through the crowds, with some people singing along to the thumping music.

            After thirty minutes or so, Courtney turn to me. “Do you mind if we move? As it’s a bit difficult for me to see anything here.”

            I thought it was a good spot, but it probably wasn’t ideal for her, so I nodded in agreement, and we followed the lines of crowds and barriers that marked the parade route.

            We walked around for ten to twenty minutes until we found the next spot. It was on a corner of the street. We had wanted to go further up, but the patrol police guarding the streets wouldn’t allow it.

            “Well,” I started as we stood up against the railing. “At least you can see better.”

            Courtney laughed with a firm nod.

            While the viewing sport we secured wasn’t fantastic – as we mostly saw the backs of the parade cars – it was still enjoyable. You could feel the excitement of everyone present, and the festive vibes of those on the parade floats. Plus, there were so many diverse parade floats to see.

            Some floats were dedicated to charities supporting the LGBTQ+ community, while others addressed pressing issues such as abortion rights, gun control laws, and the Ukrainian war. There was even one for the Free Britney movement.

            It was incredibly uplifting and reassuring to witness such widespread support for various causes during the Gay Pride Parade. It restored my faith in humanity, suggesting that with increased awareness and advocacy, positive change is possible. It reinforced the idea that as long as we continue to voice our concerns and stand up for what is right, there is hope for a better future.

***

A Train Encounter

Entry #11.2 / 26th June 2022

Because I was delayed in getting the face masks, I had to catch the next train at forty-one past ten. It was later than I had hoped, but I reassured myself that it wasn’t the end of the world. Besides, parades tend to last a while, so I figured that if I made it to the right spot, I’d still be able to catch a good portion of it.

            When I finally arrived at the train station, I noticed several people waiting, their vibrant outfits suggesting they were also headed to the Pride Parade.

            I messaged the group chat again when I saw a notice on the train screen.

Just to let everyone know that they’re experiencing technical difficulties today

            It just a minute before a reply hit – again from Courtney.

Was your train delayed

            I quickly replied back.

I missed mine as I forgot my masks but from what I’m gathering it was delayed and on the display screen it said they are experiencing technical difficulties today

            Twenty minutes later, my train finally arrived and I sent another message into the chat.

My train was delayed by a couple of minutes, might be more for you guys

            Then I left it at that, gazing out the window beside me as I observed the world passing by. Music blaring in my ears, granting me a brief respite from my thoughts. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I savoured the sensation of air filling my lungs, a welcome relief after days of tension. Even if it was within the confines of a train carriage positioned next to a less-than-pleasant-smelling bathroom.

            At the next stop, a girl sat in front of me, and we smiled politely at each other.

            I didn’t know if it was the isolation, the loneliness of the past few days, or perhaps some other force in the universe compelling me, but I felt a surge of courage within me. A courage to engage, to connect. With deliberate slowness, I removed my earphones and offered a smile to the girl sitting across from me.

            “Gay Pride Parade?” I guessed, though I wasn’t hundred percent sure. She wasn’t dressed similarly to me or anyone else who was going on the train. She was dressed normally, with a lovely summer hat to the side that matched her clothing quite well.

            She shook her head. “No. I’ve been to a few, so I know the gist of it.”

            I laughed lightly, “I get that. If I’ve been to an event first, I never feel the need to do so again unless it was something really, really good.”

            The girl laughed too. “Yeah. It was fun the first and maybe second time, but by the third it just became the usual.”

            “So it’s nothing too exciting then?” I partly joked and asked, curious of what I would be witnessing.

            The girl thought about it for a moment. “For me? Not really. Not anymore. I’m just heading to Central Park for the day with friends, which is going to be doubly busy with the Pride anyway.”

            “You’re really not selling the parade very well.” I fully joked, which we both laughed at. “I’m Rose by the way.”

            The girl’s smile widened then. “I’m Aria.”

            We then talked. Initially, we discussed where I was from and my role at the camp, delving into why I pursued the opportunity and my impressions thus far. Eventually, our dialogue shifted to Aria, and upon asking, she mentioned she was taking a brief hiatus from work after completing her second bachelor’s degree.

            My eyes widened, taking in her appearance. “How old are you?” She didn’t look very old.

            Aria grinned in triumph, “I’m turning twenty four soon.”

            I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the ground at this point.

            She then elaborated on her two bachelor’s degrees – the first in pre-med and the second in biology anthropology. And then, if my jaw wasn’t anymore on the ground as it was, she is moving to Cambridge soon to study a masters degree in medical anthropology.

            “They sound similar,” Aria said in comparison to one of her bachelor’s degree and her upcoming masters degree. “But they have a tiny difference between them.”

            “Wow,” I breathed out, “and people tell me that I’m smart from my two degrees. It’s nothing to what you’re doing.”

            Aria titled her head in curiousity, “what were your degrees in?”

            “My first bachelors degree is in Film – the production side, not the studies side.” I said, “I decided in my final year though that I really didn’t want to get into film production anymore. It came off as a bit too much for me and in my final year was the time when all the Me Too problems came out.” I looked out briefly, my mind flickering back to that time when my morality conflicted with my talents for the industry. “Plus, I’m more of a writer than anything else and in those years I kinda lost my writing mojo, so I decided to do a masters degree to get back into it.”

            “That’s really impressive.” I turned back to Aria who held a kind smile on her face. “I wish I could be that creative.”

            I shifted nervously in my seat and redirected the conversation toward Aria’s academic pursuits, asking about her experiences and what aspects of her courses she enjoyed. Gradually, though, the discussion circled back to our plans for the day.

            “So, a picnic in Central Park?” I smiled, my body relaxing more and more as the conversation between us flowed.

            Aria nodded. “Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve seen these friends and we thought it would be nice, even if it is going be manic as hell.”

            I laughed along with her. “Sounds nice. I can’t wait to have a picnic there. Hopefully soon.”

            Silence then surrounded us for a moment and I met Aria’s eyes, seeing a familiar courage build up in her eyes.

            I felt a buzz that made me flinch, and I offered Aria a quick apologetic smile as I reached for my phone. It came with a notification of a direct text from Courtney.

Please can you call me xx

            I frowned, worried slightly as this message was not in the group chat nor in the WhatsApp. I glanced up towards Aria briefly as I rang Courtney’s number.

            “Sorry about this.”

            Aria shook her head. “It’s fine.”

            I rang but there was no answer, quickly shooting off a reply message to Courtney.

Hey tried calling but no answer xx

            As soon as I sent that though, Courtney was ringing me back.

            “Hey.” I answered, my voice laced with worry and confusion. “What’s up? Everything okay?”

            “No, not really.” Courtney muffled down the phone and my concern rose.

            “What’s wrong?”

            “Well, I arranged with the others on the chat to get a specific train, and I’ve just gotten onto the carriage that they said they would be on…” She paused, breathing in and out for a moment. “But when I couldn’t find them, I text Lewis and he told me that they still hadn’t left yet. So I’m on my own.”

            Anger and frustration climbed through me then. “What? They ditched you?”

            “Kinda yeah.” Courtney replied, “they just haven’t gotten ready on time.”

            I sighed heavily, thinking carefully and glanced towards Aria opposite me.

            Part of me didn’t want to be involved in this, especially since I had a feeling that the conversation between Aria and me was leading towards a possible connection – perhaps a friendship. It seemed my plans for the day might change because of this budding connection. While I was excited about the parade, I also craved companionship and meaningful conversation, which I was enjoying with Aria.

            But I felt a sense of duty towards Courtney. Not only as another fellow international, but we also went through the check-in and security process together. We were the first ones on the plane to meet each other, and I couldn’t shake off the feeling of responsibility towards her. Moreover, I could sense how upset she was about the situation she found herself in. I couldn’t leave her alone to deal with that.

            “What time is your train getting in?” I asked then, as I knew it was a later train to mine as I was slowly entering the city.

            “I think just after twelve.” Courtney said after a moment.

            “If you want, I can hang about in Grand Central and meet you when you get in?” I flashed a small smile towards Aria, who returned it.

            “Can you?” I felt a pang of sympathy towards the girl on the phone as I heard her hopeful tone.

            I smiled, “of course. I’m thinking of getting some food there as well, did you want me to get you anything?”

            We spoke for a few more minutes, forming a quick plan of the day, before hanging up. Just then, a train made a stop.

            Aria’s stop.

            I smiled widely at her, half of it forced as a wave of sadness came over me. “It was nice meeting you and talking.”

            With a return of a wide smile, Aria nodded and stood up with her belongings. “Yeah, you too. Have a good time at the parade, and at camp.”

            A natural, thankful smile then grew on my face. “Thank you. Have a good day at the park, and good luck in Cambridge.”

            “Thanks.” As the train came to a stop and the doors slowly opened, Aria momentarily hesitated.

            In that moment of hesitation, I debated within myself whether to ask for her number. Not to ask her out or anything, but simply to make a friend. It felt refreshing to speak to someone outside the camp, and I felt an increasing urge to make friends beyond it’s confines. However, any courage I had felt at the beginning of our conversation suddenly dissipated. My mind was now focused on Courtney and ensuring she was okay above all else.

            “Bye.” Aria breathed out.

            “See ya.” I said with a nod and watched as Aria left the train with a heavy sigh.

***

A Train to a Parade

Entry #11.1 / 26th June 2022

I woke up on Sunday morning around seven in the morning, with a strike of determination that had been absent for the past week. The decision I made the night before about how I would spend the day seemed to awaken a newfound resolve within me, infusing my soul and permeating my entire being.

            After a quick breakfast of honey-nut cherrios and a cup of tea, I began my morning routine. I washed my face and brushed my teeth before applying makeup. Once ready, I dressed in the clothes I purchased the day before. There was a brief internal debate over whether to bring my small bag from Burlington’s or my backpack, and practicality ultimately won out – so the backpack accompanied me for the day.

            As I prepared for the day, noticing Becky also rising and getting ready at her own pace, a twinge of guilt crept in. Should I wait for everyone? I briefly entertained the thought before shaking my head. While waiting might have been considerate thing to do, my eagerness to see the parade outweighed my sense of obligation.

            So, I compromised.

            In the group chat that was formed in the clique group I was supposedly in, I sent out a text.

Hey guys! Im catching the 10:21 train if anyone wants to join xxx

            It wasn’t the earliest time I wanted to go, but the train before then would be one minute past ten and I wasn’t nearly enough ready to catch that one.

            It was a few minutes later when I got a reply – from Courtney.

What time does it get in xxx

            I quickly replied.

11:20

Xx

            It was another few more minutes before Courtney replied again.

Who else is getting that train? Xx

            I snorted a small laugh.

I am

            Alright, perhaps my response was a tad snappy. I exhaled deeply, refocusing on the final steps of my preparation. Glancing at the subsequent messages in the chat, I noticed that the others were opting for a later train, a choice Courtney seemed inclined to join for the chance of a bit more rest.

            I was on schedule to leave on time, but halfway out of the campus, frustration crept in, and I found myself groaning and meandering back.

            Stupid masks.

***

Disclaimer

This blog is a personal diary, and the content shared here is based on my own experiences, thoughts, and opinions. I am not a professional in any field, and the information provided on this blog is for informational and entertainment purposes only.

I do my best to ensure the accuracy and validity of the content I share, but I cannot guarantee the completeness or timeliness of the information. The content may evolve and change over time as I continue to learn and grow.

Please keep in mind that any advice, tips, or recommendations I provide are based on my personal experiences and should not be considered as professional advice. Before making any decisions or taking actions based on the content of this blog, I recommend consulting with qualified professionals or experts in the relevant field.

I am not responsible for any consequences that may arise from following the information provided on this blog. However, I will do my best to ensure any sensitive topics will be warned prior to each post. Your use of this blog and its content is at your own discretion and risk.

I value respectful and constructive discussions, so I welcome comments and feedback. However, I reserve the right to moderate and remove comments that are offensive, spammy, or violate the blog’s policies.

By accessing and using this blog, you agree to abide by this disclaimer and all applicable laws and regulations.

Thank you for visiting and reading my blog. I hope you find it interesting and enjoyable.

The Melody of Daydreams

Echo #1 / 2008-2009

It began like any other school morning. By now, I had developed the habit of arriving at school earlier than most, eager to escape any issues and indulge in the school’s breakfast menu the moment it became available. Specifically, I craved a bacon roll.

            After a lengthily walk to school, which didn’t seem as long given my familiarity with the route, I arrived around just after half seven in the morning. Without delay, I made my way to the cafeteria for breakfast. Once there, I sat at one of the tables beside the windows and eagerly savoured my bacon roll.

            Once I finished eating, I sat around. Completely bored. One of the downsides of coming to school early. To pass the time, I decided to engage in an activity that frequently earns me reprimands from my teachers during class.

            Daydreaming.

            Staring out the window, I imagined a life, a completely different melody of life, away from all the issues and be… someone.

            However, before I could immerse myself in crafting another daydream narrative, I was jolted from my reverie by the sight of familiar faces passing by the cafeteria window. I perked up instantly, observing my friends strolling together outside, their laughter echoing across the school grounds.

            Hastily gathering my belongings and bidding farewell to the cafeteria staff, I hurried outside. Spotting my friends disappearing around a corner in the distance, I decided to meet them on the opposite side of the school grounds, heading off in that opposite direction.

            In a matter of minutes, I reached the spot, but just as I caught sight of them, they abruptly turned around and traced their steps in the opposite direction.

            Odd.

            Shrugging, I turned back in the direction I had come from, determined to meet them halfway.

            But just as I returned outside the cafeteria and I saw them rounding the corner – they abruptly turned around again.

            I froze. Watching them round the corner again. Laughing.

            I glanced around, grateful that no one else was in sight.

            The only ones who saw me were my friends, and the moment – or moments – they saw me, they walked in the other direction.

            Shakily taking in a long breath and blinking back the tears, I returned to the cafeteria.

            Later, I would see them again, walking past, still laughing.

            And I promptly returned to my melody of daydreams.