Entry #20 / 8th July 2022
Self-control has been something I have learned a lot in the past with mindfulness, dialectical behavioural therapy, and just general life experience. I needed to learn it. I was never out of control or had a wild temper it’s just… my frustration could get the better of me. If something didn’t go according to plan or life didn’t go how I expected it – it would be a burst of a temper tantrum or dam of hot tears.
But that was largely in the past. I did have blips of it here and there, but my sister Zara constantly reassured me that it wasn’t to the same extent as before nor as constant.
Mentally, I got better. As did my self-control.
Managing reality got easier.
However, this currently was no ordinary reality.
I had a plan that evening: I would shower, sort out my hair so it would be all gorgeous curls tomorrow, order dinner, and go to bed early, ready for my full day out in NYC.
Daphne tried to tempt me into going out that evening, but I wilfully declined. I wouldn’t say I liked the experience last time, and in my everyday life, I wasn’t much of a party-goer. In those rare instances I did go out, I really enjoyed myself because it was a rare occurrence, and I was surrounded by people I knew and trusted.
By the time I showered and was ready to get my hair done, I was pretty much relaxed.
That was until the fire alarm went off.
“You got to be fucking kidding me,” I muttered, wiping the cream I had on my fingers back into the tub, taking the strands of hair I had up back down, and following those who were exiting the building.
I glanced towards the kitchen and saw random occupants within the university dorms (the university was hosting rooms for more than one camp worker this year). They were at the oven, obviously trying to figure out where they had gone wrong.
“What did you do?” I asked, confounded by the fire alarm going off as… I didn’t see any smoke. No fire? And from the look of things, it wasn’t a test alarm either.
Okay, I thought, picking up on my building frustration. Leave. Now.
I marched onwards, eventually finding Daphne with Lewis and Courtney, who had turned up just before to join the others in their night outing.
“I bet you anything I’m going to have to jump in the shower again to get my hair wet enough to do the curl style.” I slightly ranted, though it was pretty much to myself as no one was fully paying attention.
I wasn’t even paying attention to myself as the fire truck rolled down the campus roads.
“Fucking hell,” Courtney muttered.
I glanced around, slowly locating the two I saw in the kitchen with a few other people. Guilt filled me as I took in their shy nature and how they weren’t looking at anyone else.
Fuck. I wanted so much to slap myself.
‘They must be so embarrassed,’ the bright voice murmured.
“Hey!” Daphne called suddenly, drawing my attention away from the two occupants to whom Daphne was directing her voice. “Where have you been?”
I smiled gratefully as I saw Janette’s approaching figure. She was smiling – really smiling. I had seen her smile when we were away from the camp – having spent some of the weekend with her – so it wasn’t unusual for me. But the timing of it was a bit strange.
“Just been out making some calls and getting stuff sorted,” Janette said with complete joy.
“Everything alrite?” Daphne questioned, her eyebrows raised.
“Yep! Me and Scott are leaving!” Janette was practically glowing at this point.
I blinked. “What? You mean for the weekend?”
Janette shook her head. “Nope. As in leaving the camp.”
My blinking became more rapid.
“What?” Daphne spoke as all my ability to do so was lost. “Why?”
“We’re just sick of it really,” Janette stated, gesturing to the growing bruise on her calf. “That kid whacking me with a pottery plate was the last straw of many straws. Plus, we kinda just wanted a weekend to think on it after speaking to one of the directors, but when we got here, Eddie came to us, gave us our pay in cash, and said we needed to leave the campus by the end of the weekend.”
“What the actual fuck?” Daphne frowned fiercely, along with a few others who listened in.
I shook my head, tears welling in my eyes as the two conversed for a minute. However, as soon as Janette saw my expression and the silent tears, she stepped closer to me.
“Hey, it will be alright…” She began, rubbing her hands up and down my arms.
A sob burst from my mouth then, shaking my head. “I don’t want you guys to go.”
I could feel eyes on me as I cried, but I was past the point of caring at the moment. It was heartbreaking to think of not seeing Janette and Scott on a daily basis anymore—the only two people I felt any connection to and who I felt so comfortable around.
I knew they weren’t enjoying camp life. I knew many aspects of the camp and how the camp dealt with issues that Janette and Scott didn’t like. Heck, I was not too fond of it. However, my experiences working at the camp have been somewhat positive. Janette and Scott weren’t camp counselors like me—they were specialists—the camp workers who actually taught the people, so their experiences differed greatly from mine.
And a whole lot of negative.
I knew that once I had calmed down and really thought about it, I would understand Janette and Scott’s decision. I would accept and be happy that this was what was right for them.
But at this moment, only one thought presented itself in my head as Janette attempted to comfort me.
“I’m going to be all alone,” I mumbled, tears completely constructing my view as Janette pulled me into a half-hug.
I distantly heard someone say, “No, you won’t.” But I didn’t care, as I knew that wasn’t true.
I would be alone in this.
And while the other day I was all up for traveling on my own, now…
Now, I’ve never felt more alone.
