Month: February 2024

Entry 8 / _{^{20th to 23rd June 2022}}

The NYC high lingered on the Monday as we returned back to work. Everyone in such good spirits that I felt the insecurities of “fitting in” slimmer away.

            After work on Monday, I joined a couple of the girls from the internationals group by one of the pools. It seemed to be the go-to-spot for chilling out, as almost everyone gathered there after a long day’s work. Besides, the scorching heat made it essential to cool down. Most people were in the pools, while others lounged beside it, dipping their feet or legs into the refreshing water.

            It was really nice getting to know everyone, especially those of different cultures.

            Interestingly, later that night, upon returning to the university campus, most of the internationals decided to play hide and seek. They scattered, concealing ourselves in various spots around the campus grounds and inside our residential building.

            When I say most, it was pretty much everyone – except me.

            Looking back, this may have added to the insecurities resurfacing, but at the same time…

            I wasn’t used to being around so many people twenty-four seven.

            Although I had a half-sister from my maternal side, Gretchen, we weren’t close. Growing up, I was effectively an only child from my Dad’s side. While I had friends in the neighbourhood and at school, those interactions were limited, and even when opportunities arose, I often preferred solitude. As a child, I relished being immersed in my own fantasy worlds, feeling that sharing them would somehow dimmish their magic.

            As secondary school began, I found socialising challenging; half the time, I struggled to navigate social cues and politeness. It was exhausting to keep up. I often found myself saying the wrong thing or unintentionally acting impolite.  

            As I got older and once, I got better with my better health, dealing with social interactions got better. But it was still just as exhausting.

            ‘Social exhaustion,’ the responsible voice labelled it at one point.

            I anticipated this when I signed up for Camp America. That’s why, when I initially applied between 2016-2017, I didn’t follow through with it. I didn’t think I could handle it at the time. But now, I believed I could, and I saw it as an opportunity for personal growth. It would push me to be more social and help make new friends.

            But there was only so much social change that one person could take.

            So, I decided to skip the hide-and-seek adventures in favour of some downtime.

            Luckily, I stumbled upon an unoccupied room in the university campus where I could retreat. I nestled myself there with my tarot cards, crystals, and earphones, engaging in meditation, conducting a reading, and simply unwinding. It was a moment to reconnect with myself and find my centre once again.

***

The remainder of the week was filled with further camp preparation and training. We were briefed about the upcoming pre-camp open day, where parents could visit the camp, meet the counsellors, and learn more about the program. Each of us was assigned specific roles for the event.

            In keeping with the back-to-school vibe, a few dramas unfolded throughout the week. It was challenging to remain detached, especially when it involved people I’d grown to like and care about. While the wise and balanced adult in me urged to ignore it and advise others to do the same, it felt reminiscent of that How I Met Your Mother episode – being in an environment or with people that evoke a certain time and age makes it hard not to revert backward.

            I tried to separate myself from it a little by the end of the week. Realising that this wasn’t how I wanted to remember the camp experience.

            It wasn’t all bad though. The school atmosphere helped when meeting and getting to know our fellow American workers. It was nice being around fresh faces – though I can’t hundred percent say by the end of the week they could say the same about us.

            As, at one point, as we all gathered around a stage area and playing some kind of game, one of the international camp workers was brought on.

            Just after he gave his answer to whatever question was given into the microphone, he ended his performance by declaring: “God save the Queen!”

            I physically face palmed myself as a few international staff around me, mainly those from the UK too, looked mortified.

            ‘Is it too late to say we don’t know him?’ The bright voice questioned.

Entry 7.3 / _{^{19th June 2022}}

As we explored the exhibitions showcasing animals from throughout history and the modern world, my dislike of birds increased slightly. Of course, to haunt my nightmares, all the animals were modelled to their near-exact forms.

            Usually, this wouldn’t bother me too much, and none of them did to a significant extent. I even chuckled at a cheetah looking so shocked.

            However, the modelled birds… I understood less why Roosevelt was so fond of them.

            The first few sets of modelled birds weren’t too bad. They just looked like birds. But it was when I came to another display that I almost threw up at the sight of. It depicted Western Marsh Birds, with one of the adult birds having one of their babies rammed into their throat for food.

            If they were moving and it was actually happening, it wouldn’t be so bad. But since they were modelled and frozen like this… Okie dokie, that is terrifying.

            I quickly moved on to another animal, but then a few more minutes later, found myself at another modelled bird window.

            “Oh bloody hell.” Seeing the next bird display also having the model feeding their babies. “Okay, I get this is how the babies feed but do they really need to have stuffed statutes showing it?”

            Lewis snorted beside me. “Guessing you’re not a fellow bird fan then?”

            I breathed out heavily. “If I see another bird display after this it will be too soon.”

            About ten minutes later, while I was engrossed in reading about a new animal species, Lewis called me over to where he stood in front of another window display. He had a tiny smirk on his face as he gestured me to join him.

            I made my way over, my eyes quickly turning to the window display and my smile quickly falling as a result. “Oh bloody hell!”

            It was another bird display, only with vultures feeding on some kind of dead animal and, from the looks of things, each other.

            “Well,” I groaned out tiredly, “that’s my nightmares sorted for the next few weeks.”

***

Six and a half hours. That’s how long it took us to explore the entirety of the American Museum of Natural History. I was quite impressed with myself; enduring such a lengthy visit was no small accomplishment. And I was equally impressed with Lewis, Hanna and Diego. We all committed ourselves to fully experiencing the museum, and the sense of fulfilment was palpable.

            Though, what’s a better reward than a physical reward along with the feeling?

            We explored the gift shop afterwards, and I saw a top with the museum logo on it. Naturally, I looked for an XL size (I prefer my relax/potential nightwear tops to be baggy) and went to the counter to buy.

            “What are you getting?” I asked Lewis as we waited to be served.

            “Just a book of the museum.” Lewis stated, gesturing the booklet in his hand. “What about you?”

            I waved up my top. “We spent over six hours in this place, I damn well deserve T-shirt for it.”

***

Feeling exhausted and hungry, the four of us searched for a restaurant with affordable prices. Eventually, we stumbled upon one named Applejack Diner. When it was time to order, I opted for spaghetti Bolognese. Little did I recall at the moment that the portions in America tend to be larger than those in the UK.

            The portion I received was far larger than expected, and although I managed to eat more than anticipated (given I spent six and a half hours in a museum without fuel), I couldn’t quite finish it all.

            “That was actually better than what I thought it would be.” I breathed out as I set down my cutlery to indicate I was finished with my food.

            Hanna had nodded, “yeah.”

            Once everyone had finished, we did the math, making sure to add in the tip, and set off to meet Courtney and Mary at Grand Central Station.

***

Courtney and Mary had a great day. I had seen what their adventures through their Instagram stories, and any feelings about being left yetted out the window. I was really happy for them that they had such a good time and did something they wanted to do. Moreover, hearing about their experiences, particularly their visit to Brooklyn Bridge, sparked my excitement to explore those areas as well.

            I was glad to have done the museum today. While it may have not been as emotionally profound as The Anne Frank House or the Van Gogh Museum, it was impactful. Learning about Theodore Roosevelt and discovering more about the Grand Canyon set the stage for my post-camp adventures.

            Though, upon returning to the university campus, we were all exhausted. Ready to go to bed, and not looking forward to the next week’s preparation work and training.

            ‘You signed up for this,’ the responsible voice said as I laid down in my bed. ‘Just embrace it instead of dreading it.’

            Easy for you to say, I mentally argued. You’re not doing the physical labour.

            But the responsible voice was right. This was what I wanted – both the travel and the work experience. I have no right to complain.

            With that in mind as I clocked out for the night, I fell into an easy sleep.

Entry 7.2 / _{^{19th June 2022}}

It was bustling with people, as expected – after all, it’s one of the most famous museums in America, if not the world. But it did raise my anxiety levels slightly. I made sure to talk to Lewis and Courtney, hoping that doing so would help calm my nerves amidst the crowds.

            After scanning all of our tickets and having our bags checked, we entered the museum. It was a bit overwhelming to decide where to start, as we all studied the map, trying to plan the best route. Eventually, we found ourselves in the Gottesman Hall of Planet Earth.

            Since we all read and absorb information at different speeds, we gradually separated from one another. However, I made sure to glance up occasionally to check in on everyone’s whereabouts. I didn’t want us to lose track of each other.

            Upon all the different learning this section provided, there was a detailed history and science to the Grand Canyon.

            Before coming to America, I had contemplated where I would like to go after camp. New Orleans was at the top of the list, but I was unsure on where else. I’d hoped to possibly go to places on the weekends off we had, nearby places anyway. But other than that? I wasn’t overly certain.

            I overheard some people discussing a trip to the Grand Canyon. Despite the stupid moment where I forgot it was in America, I even considered joining them. After all, how often do you get the chance to visit such a remarkable place?

            I still wasn’t sure though. It was a big maybe.

            But reading about the Grand Canyon. It’s history. Its biology. It made me inspired. It made me excited.

            I’m so going to the Grand Canyon. I promised myself, taking an Instagram story of the displays on the Grand Canyon.

            ‘Duh.’ The responsible voice came in, ‘it would be stupid not too.’

            Eventually, I caught up with Lewis in geology section of the area. I looked around, searching for the other four. However, I grew concerned when I only managed to spot Hanna and Diego among the crowds.

            “Hey.” I said to Lewis to gain his attention. “Do you know where Courtney and Mary are?”

            He looked up, blinking for a moment as he looked away from what he was reading and looked around. “No… I swear they were just up ahead of me though.”

            I frowned and reached for my phone in my pocket. “I’ll text them, see… Oh, wait.” I saw a notification on my phone and my frown grew. “They said that they’ve finished in this area and gone on without us.”

            Lewis had frowned too. “Already?”

            I shrugged. “Maybe they are really fast readers.”

            It wasn’t until we entered the space-themed areas of the museum that I received another text from Courtney. It stated that they had finished exploring the museum and were leaving to join the others for sightseeing in the city.

            “They paid twenty dollars for entry and only spend an hour here?” Lewis was just as flabbergasted as me.

            I was completely confused. Considering the museum’s vastness, it would take a lot more than one hour to fully experience it. I knew earlier that they were interested in what the others had planned for the day, but what Lewis made a valid point. They had paid to visit the museum, and an hour hardly seemed long enough to appreciate it. Despite feeling a bit offended by their sudden departure, I recognised that they had every right to pursue their own interests. After all, they weren’t obligated to stay with us, especially considering our recent acquaintance.

            So, it was a mixed bag of emotions I was feeling, but I decided to brush it off and enjoy what I paid for.

            “Then there was four.” I joked with Lewis, Hanna and Diego as we made our way to the space theatre.

***

One of the exhibits that surprisingly impacted me was the Theodore Roosevelt Memorial Hall. To say the 26^th President was an interesting man would be an insulting understatement. I didn’t realise how much of an influence he was on the perseveration of the natural world in America. He thrived in nature, possibly being one of the first figures to speak out on climate change and how important it was to look after our mother earth.

            He helped declare the national parks within America, one of them being the Olympic National Park. Something that sparked my interest, and I mentally put on the possibility list of places to go too.

            I remembered a much younger version of myself, declaring myself a city girl, resisting the idea of long hikes and camping activities. I preferred shopping, hanging out with friends, and enjoying the perks of city life.

            Now in my mid-twenties, I find myself less drawn to the chaotic life a city promises. Instead, I’m increasingly attracted to the tranquillity of nature, small towns, and villages. I crave connection with the world that nature offers.

            Learning about Theodore Roosevelt and how he resonated with my sentiments sparked a desire to explore the national parks he worked tirelessly to protect.

            Though, there was one downside to Roosevelt.

            He was really into birds.

            ‘Ew.’ The bright voice cringed.

            Don’t get me wrong, birds are nice to look at, and I understand how important they are to the environment, but… I must confess, I used to have a fear of pigeons. Especially when I was sort of attacked by one once (as well nearly attacked by swan as a child). While I’ve outgrown this fear, it was fair to say that myself and the bird species would never be on the same wing of life.

***

As the museum visit progressed, I found myself alternating between absorbing new information and feeling a bit overwhelmed by the sheer volume of exhibits. Nonetheless, it was a rewarding experience to immerse myself in histories and countless narratives. Moreover, spending time with Hanna and Diego was enjoyable. I learned that Diego was pursuing a degree in biology, with a focus on entomology. He shared numerous fascinating facts about ants as we explored the relevant exhibit.

            By the time we got to the dinosaur exhibits though, I was nearly knackered out. My eyes strained, feet killing me. If this museum wasn’t the cause of my death, then I must be some kind of immortal.

            Luckily, the dinosaur exhibit was a blessed relief. As a child, I was wildly fascinated by dinosaurs – a huge fan of the Jurassic Park trilogy (original, of course). I learned everything I could about the extinct species, devouring information online and in books.

            As I wandered through the exhibit, those childhood memories flooded back as I read about each skeleton and various species of dinosaurs. The fondness I once held for these creatures emerged once again, reminding me of the fascination I had for them long ago.

            It was when I got to one information point that I burst into laughter. Startling the crowds close to me.

            It read: “since the closest living relatives of Tyrannosaurus and other carnosaurs are birds, it’s probable that Tyrannosaurus walked like a giant bird.”

            This comes off as the biggest burn towards them since the asteroid.

***

Entry 7.1 / _{^{19th June 2022}}

During a relaxed evening, with a bunch of the people hanging out in the basement entertainment area of the university dorms, a sudden scream of pain caught my attention while I was doing my laundry. Racing to the source, I found Janette and Becky in the stairwell, and it became apparent that Becky had taken a fall. Sharing a concerned glance with Janette, I watched Becky attempt to assure us she was fine, despite clearly being the opposite.

            The following morning, as I was preparing for our museum outing, Becky called her mother for advice regarding the fall and the pain that followed. After the call, she informed us that she didn’t think she would be able to join us for the day’s activities in New York City or visit the museum.

            “It’s probably for the best.” I assured her, grimacing as she grimaced. “With a bruise and injury like that, you need to rest it.”

“It’s just annoying though.” Becky groaned out. “I literally already paid for the ticket and then I fell. Stupid stairs.”

            I couldn’t help but agree with Becky’s assessment. Those stairs were a death trap. Since my first descent, I made sure my clumsy ass was careful. The plastic tiling made them incredibly slippery, dangerous for even un-clumsy people.

            After making sure Becky would be okay for the day, the three of us set off for New York City.

***

When the five of us had decided to go to the American Museum of Natural History, we had sent a message to the camp internationals WhatsApp group chat. Two people seemed interested – Hanna and Diego – and asked how it was possible to get tickets. We directed them to the website, suggesting it was probably cheaper and easier to buy online than at the museum.

            Since Hanna and Diego were staying at the camp with Courtney, she had arranged with them to meet us on the train to NYC. In preparation for this, myself, Lewis and Mary got on the carriage near the end of the train to help the three of them locate us.

            “I feel really bad about leaving Becky behind.” I had muttered at one point on the train, conflicted feelings roaring inside of me.

            “Yeah, same here.” Lewis agreed with a heavy sigh.

            Mary grimaced. “Yeah. Hopefully she’ll be alright though.”

            Before any second thoughts about whether we should have stayed with her crossed my mind, the train stopped at the station where Courtney, Hanna, and Diego would be joining us.

            There was a burst of laughter as a crowd boarded the train. I knew who it was before even looking. It seemed that Courtney, Hanna, and Diego didn’t come alone to the train.

            A few of the other internationals came too, though not for the museum experience.

            It turns out they had quite a full day ahead of them. First, it would be Brooklyn, then Chinatown, and then Central Park (if I remembered correctly?). While I was excited for those who would be doing all these things today, I couldn’t help but mentally cringe. That’s a lot to do in one day.

            Eventually, we all arrived at NYC and the groups went their separate ways.

***

I had never been a big fan of museums growing up. Possibly because I wasn’t particularly fond of school. Constantly being forced to learn subjects that held little interest for me made museums feel like just another thing I was compelled to endure.

            Unfortunately, it wasn’t until my solo trip to Amsterdam back in 2020 (before everything went to shit) that I truly appreciated the beauty of museums. They weren’t just educational tools; they were preservers of history, storytellers in their own right. While some might debate whether we’d remember history without museums, I believe specialised museums are the most impactful. They allow the history they present to shine, honouring the stories and individuals at the heart of their subjects.

            While in Amsterdam, I visited only two museums – The Anne Frank House and the Van Gogh Museum. It’s hard to say which one was my favourite; both left a profound impression on me.

           The Van Gogh Museum was deeply intriguing, offering insights not only into the artist’s work but also the writer and the man. A special exhibit was on display during my visit, showcasing Van Gogh’s best self-portraits as well as various artists’ works on self-portraiture, including a few photography pieces. But the one that hit home the hardest was the one of Van Gogh. It was him staring towards the on looking with dead eyes. Different shades of blue swirling around him. Radiating his inner loneliness and despair.

           As I stared and stared at the painting, the audio description of the painting ringing in my ears, it was hard to keep the tears at bay.

           The Van Gogh changed how I saw art. How art has the ability to speak our darkest truths, and for those darkest truths to give comfort to others.

           The Anne Frank House was another deeply moving experience for me. I knew going in it would be emotional. My paternal grandfather, who was born and raised in a small Ukrainian village, had a similar experience during World War II. While he didn’t share many details about his life in his native country, I learned from my Dad that his village was raided, and he was taken to a concentration camp at a young age, around seven to nine years old.

           My Dad had assured me it wasn’t one of the worst concentration camps – but it was a concentration camp. I think that’s pretty much as bad as it gets.

           Fortunately, my grandfather survived and eventually immigrated to England. However, he rarely spoke of his Ukrainian heritage. He never taught his children the language, and he never mentioned any other family members.

           I’ve always been curious about my Ukrainian heritage. As a child, the pride of this part of my identity made me consider learning the language. Though, I figured I’d need to start with some easier languages before tackling something more challenging.

           So, going to The Anne Frank Museum, I was prepared for any emotions to smack me in the face.

           Though, you can never be fully prepared.

           Hearing all the stories of what Anne Frank, her family and many others went through during those times were sickening and devastating.

           But the thing that smacked me the most was Anne Frank herself. And how connected I felt to her.

           She was an aspiring writer, her diaries being world-famous. But I didn’t realise how much of a writer she was until seeing all the dedication to her diaries. She understood, as we all know now, how important her story was. Before she and her family were found, she started editing and writing new drafts of her diaries.

           This connection of Anne Frank was furthered towards the end of the museum. Quotes from her diary entries were painted on the walls in different areas of the house, but one in particular caught my attention, leaving me frozen with wide eyes.

           “I’ll make my voice heard, I’ll go out into the world and work for mankind!”

           It was a miracle that I didn’t end up breaking down right there.

           And now, in the present day, as we went from subway to subway, the six of us talking amongst ourselves, I wondered how this museum would affect me. It wouldn’t be as dedicated to one subject as my two favourites were, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t get some meaning from it.

           It didn’t mean that it couldn’t awaken something in me too.

***